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minivans.

February 28, 2017

My posts have been pretty heavy lately, I know.  So although I could drop some deep thoughts or big questions on you today we go with mindless rant.

 

It’s no secret that traffic in Charlotte in horrendous.  It may be a bigger kept secret that traffic in the suburbs is deplorable.  We all thought we were escaping to some peaceful countryside by moving to the suburbs, but sadly everyone else had the same idea, and they all bought a minivan.

 

I hate minivans.   If you are my friend and you drive one, don’t take it personal.  I don’t hate you, I just hate minivans…. ok maybe I hate some of their operators too.

 

Why, you may ask that I have such disdain?  I can’t see past them.  They’re big, boxy and slow.  They’re filled with children, sports equipment and video screens.  The typical minivan driver is a tired, distracted or stressed out mom who is carpooling to or from school, extra-curricular activities or the grocery store.  In addition to that she’s usually on her phone.  Oh, for goodness sake, you have 12 kids and you’re late for soccer practice.  Get off the phone!!!

 

I think I also hate minivans because they are like a suburbian utopia.  Have you ever been in one of those things?  You could get locked in there and stay alive for weeks!  There are cup holders, refrigerators, window shades and wifi.  Heck, some of your minivans are nicer than my house!

 

Sadly, due to this self-contained bubble you drive in, most minivan drivers are utterly oblivious to other cars on the road.  You merge slowly onto the freeway and ride in the fast lane.  GET OVER!!  You drive under the speed limit in town.  You often take up more than one parking spot.  I know it must be hard to drive those things but trust me, it’s harder to drive behind one.  I can’t see a thing except your kids jumping up and down when they should be strapped in or Despicable Me 2 on the big screen.

 

I understand that once you pass the 3 child threshold in your family there aren’t many options.  It’s either a gas guzzling SUV or a minivan.  I get it, it’s so darn practical.  But come on ladies, give your husband back his man-card and don’t make him drive that thing, because he’s usually a worse driver than you.

 

I think less kids may be the answer…. what do I know I drive a sporty Subaru.

 

 

 

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