I’ve been MIA for a quick minute. What can I say? Sometimes I’m inspired to write, other times not so much. I logged on today to muster up some blog for you lovely folks and realized I hadn’t been here since June…. Wow. I had 7 comments on my previous blogs to approve and well, then…. I started weeping. On top of all that, 3 people yesterday alone mentioned the blog and how they missed me writing. So here goes…
Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset… BAHAHAHAHAHA!
I’ve been told recently that I lack patience. Listen, I know I lack patience. I KNOW THISSSSS MANNN. In some ways, I really lack patience. But then my sister said to me, “Jill, we all lack patience in some area of our life.”. Thanks sis. It’s true. I am super duper patient in some ways….none of which I can come up with right now because I’m in a hurry to write this blog.
In matters of the heart I’ve always been in a hurry to smooth things over. In a hurry to forgive. In a hurry to forget. In a hurry to make sure someone else was comfortable or at least not in pain. I was in a hurry to fix things for others and rescue them from their poor choices. Sounds so noble right? Wrong. It is the cornerstone of my codependency. It is not loving. It was also the way I would medicate. Some drink, some smoke, some work. I forgave. I forgot. I put my needs, wants and desires out to pasture for the sake of everyone else’ feelings…which I later learned was disassociation. (uh, not healthy). So you see if I could hurry up and make things all pretty and sweet for everyone else they would like me, approve of me, want me, and then….I would be O-K. What a crock.
So then I learned I was the only one that could make me OK. I had to like me, approve of me and want me. It just didn’t seem like the Christian thing to do, you know? Tend to yourself seemed so….well, selfish.
I had it all wrong. ALL WRONG I tell ya. I must first see my inherent value. I must approve of my heart. Why? Because I’m super fabulous? or because I’m better than you? Not at all. I must realize I matter as I am. In my humanity I matter. Because when I get that I will not only really dig myself. I will attract those who value me as well. Those who will be patient with me and treat me with the love and respect I deserve.
What is the Royal Law? Love your neighbor as yourself. Guess what people? If you don’t love yourself, you can’t hardly love your neighbor. And then you will do all kinds of crazy stuff like me to try to get people to love and approve of you and it will still NEVER be enough.
I have a beautiful friend that just can’t see anything good about herself. She thinks she average. She thinks she’s fat, her arms are weird, her hair is meh. She beats herself down every time I see her. She is in reality outwardly stunning. Inwardly, smart, hardworking, kind and super strong. I wish I could give this stuff away like a jolly rancher in my pocket. Here sweetie, take this. It’s delicious.
So thank you all for being patient with me. Going forward I am practicing patience… I’m taking my time with this. I choose to accept the delay without getting angry or upset in this process. I choose to be patient with myself.