COACH JILLY

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victim.

April 3, 2015

I believe that confession is good for the soul.  It frees us.  It is healing. I also believe confession creates a safe place for others to be themselves. And so I confess…

 

Hi my name is Jill and I am a recovering Victim.  “Hi Jill….”

 

I recently finished a book called “The Empowerment Dynamic” by David Emerald.

 

Wow.

 

The book is short but powerful.  It taught me about the dreaded drama triangle.  Others call  it simply ‘triangulation’.

 

It’s that dance we do in our lives, our families, our relationships.

 

It looks like this:

 

 

I’ve had some really bad things happen “to”me in my life.  Some real.  Some perceived.  A bad guy can be a person or a circumstance.  But it is something or someone that causes us to feel powerless.

 

The Victim perspective and my inner dialogue and sometimes my out-loud dialogue sounded like this:

 

“Why me?”

 

“I’m not important.”

 

“No one cares what I have to say.”

 

“I’m just the middle child.”

 

“I have no purpose.”

 

“My opinion doesn’t matter.”

 

“What did I do to deserve this?”….. on and on….

 

I have been guilty of sleepwalking through life looking to others to save me.  To rescue me.  And ironically, those people exist as well.

 

Enter the Rescuer.

 

David Emerald says, “Rescuers need victims-someone to protect or fix-to bolster their self-esteem.  Rescuing gives them a false sense of superiority that covers their fear of being inadequate. Rescuers feel good about themselves, as long as they don’t admit that Victims could meet their own needs without them.”

 

Oh dang, hmmm, that means I’m a Rescuer too……shoot.

 

Well then there’s the Bad Guy, the Persecutor, the Perpetrator.  This person or circumstance needs no introduction.  Could be your spouse, your boss, your recent car accident, maybe your genetics, diabetes, cancer, etc. etc.  However the Bad Guy presents, he is the perceived cause of the Victim’s woes.  This person gets to take the blame for all that is wrong in the Victim’s world….

 

Do you see where this is going?

 

Nowhere.

 

It’s going absolutely nowhere.  No one takes responsibility.  No one feels powerful for very long.  You’ve got everybody shifting roles.  Bad Guys are former Victims.  Victims turn into Bad Guys.  Rescuers turn into martyrs or Bad Guys.

 

It’s all rooted in fear, delusion and false hope.    It’s utter madness.

 

I have been sleepwalking through life, carrying this Victim perspective with me.

 

I am done.  I am awake now.  It will not drive my life or my relationships anymore.

 

I am powerful. You are powerful.  We have the power to choose our perspective; our orientation.

 

Sounds simple, yet is not easy.

 

Emerald says, “The opposite of Victim is Creator.”

 

I like it.  I am adopting it.  I believe I was made in the image of The Creator.  I have a divine purpose.

 

The perspective you choose to adopt exerts powerful influence over your life’s direction.  What we believe and assume creates most of our reality and experience.

 

I always like to leave you with something practical you can use.  This is the challenge for today.

 

I challenge you to gather awareness.  Begin to wake up to the roles you play in your relationships; your perspective.

 

Victims focus on what they don’t want. (problem-focused)

 

Creators focus on what they do want. (outcome-focused)

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